I’m Dr Esthefanea F. Santos, a Counselling Psychologist based in Medway, supporting adults across Kent and online throughout the UK. This article is part of my Menopause Series for Menopause Awareness Month, where I explore the emotional side of this transition and grounded, evidence-based ways to manage it. My doctoral research explored menopause and identity, so this topic is close to my heart.
Menopause is often described as a list of symptoms. But many people experience something harder to name: a sense that who they are is shifting. Questions like “Who am I now?” or “Where did the old me go?” are common, and they deserve attention.
Why menopause can affect your sense of self
Identity is built from many parts: the body, roles, relationships and hopes for the future. Menopause can touch all of them at once.
- Your body may feel unfamiliar, with changes in energy, function, skin, weight or desire.
- Your roles may be shifting, whether at home, in caring for others, or at work.
- Your future may look different. The end of fertility can bring grief, relief, or both, whether or not having children was ever part of your plans.
- Your confidence may dip when brain fog or anxiety makes familiar tasks feel harder.
It makes sense that these changes can leave you feeling unsettled.
What does the research tell us?
Over the past two decades, researchers have started asking people not just “What symptoms do you have?” but “How has menopause changed the way you see yourself?” Across studies from many countries, four findings come up again and again.
- It’s rarely just physical
Whether the research comes from the UK or around the world, people describe menopause reaching into almost every corner of life: mood, body, relationships, family roles and their sense of self.
Work comes up often. Studies of working life describe how brain fog or a hot flush in a meeting can shake confidence that took years to build. People then spend a lot of hidden energy managing how others see them. If you’ve ever covered up losing your words with a joke, you’ll recognise this.
- The story you’re told shapes the story you live
Most cultural messages about menopause are about decline: the end of youth, fertility or desirability. Research suggests these messages matter. People who go into menopause with more negative expectations tend to report more symptoms.
This doesn’t mean symptoms are imagined. It means the meaning we attach to them can make them heavier or lighter to carry. So it’s worth asking: whose story about menopause have you absorbed, and does it actually fit you?
- Loss is real, but it’s rarely the whole story
Research doesn’t sugar-coat this. People describe grief for their younger body, for a future they had imagined, or for a version of themselves that felt more certain. For those who reach menopause early, these feelings can be especially strong, along with isolation and a pull towards secrecy.
Yet the same studies also describe self-acceptance, self-compassion and a sense of new possibility, and attitudes often soften later in the transition. My own doctoral research captured this in a theme I called “Self in Flux”: the feeling of being in between, no longer who you were and not yet sure who you’re becoming. For the people in my study, that disruption was generally small and temporary, and they made sense of it within the bigger story of their lives.
- There is no single menopause
Much of what we hear about menopause is based on one kind of experience. But menopause after cancer treatment, early menopause, and menopause for trans and non-binary people can each bring different challenges, from feeling out of step with peers to navigating services built around assumptions that don’t fit. Culture, health and life circumstances all shape the experience too.
What this means for you
Put together, the research offers a hopeful message. Feeling unsettled during menopause is common, it makes sense, and for many people it doesn’t last. The disruption can also be a chance to decide which parts of yourself to carry forward, and which old stories to put down.
Making room for loss and change
It’s easy to rush past loss in midlife, or to feel you “should” simply get on with things. Yet acknowledging what is changing, and perhaps grieving it, can make space for what comes next.
Some questions you might reflect on:
- What parts of myself do I want to carry forward?
- What expectations am I ready to let go of?
- Who or what helps me feel most like myself?
Finding connection
Isolation can make identity changes feel heavier. Talking with friends, joining a menopause support group, or speaking with a therapist can help you feel less alone and make sense of what you’re experiencing.
Each person’s experience of menopause is different, and so is what helps. Therapy can offer a non-judgemental space to explore what menopause means for you, at your own pace and on your own terms.
FAQ
Is it normal to feel like I’ve lost myself during menopause?
Yes. Many people describe feeling unfamiliar to themselves during this time. For many, this feeling eases as they adjust.
Does menopause affect everyone’s identity in the same way?
No. Experiences vary widely, shaped by culture, health, gender, life circumstances and what menopause means to each person.
Can therapy help with identity changes in midlife?
Yes. Therapy can help you understand what is changing, process any loss, and reconnect with what matters to you.
Reflection corner
“If you could describe who you are becoming in three words, what would they be?”
Support in Medway and online
If you’d like to explore what you’re going through, we offer therapy in person in Rainham, Medway, and online across the UK.
When you’re ready to take the next step, visit our website or book a free 15-minute consultation to find out how therapy can help.
