I’m Dr Esthefanea F. Santos, a Counselling Psychologist based in Medway, supporting adults across Kent and online throughout the UK. This article is part of my Menopause Series for Menopause Awareness Month, where I explore the emotional side of this transition and grounded, evidence-based ways to manage it. This post is for partners, and for anyone who wants to share it with theirs.
When someone you love is going through menopause, the changes often ripple into your shared life too. You may notice they are more anxious, tired, irritable or withdrawn. You might feel shut out, criticised, or unsure what to say. Many partners want to help but are afraid of getting it wrong.
What your partner may be experiencing
Menopause is more than hot flushes. Your partner may be dealing with poor sleep, anxiety, low mood, brain fog, changes in desire and a shaken sense of who they are. These changes are real, and they are not a reflection of how they feel about you.
What does the research tell us?
Research on menopause and relationships is still catching up, and most of it has focused on married, heterosexual couples. Even so, four findings are useful for any partner.
1. Partners feel it too
In a recent UK study, men supporting a partner through menopause described reduced intimacy, strained communication, and a strong wish to help mixed with a sense of helplessness. Social expectations about what they should say or feel often made it harder to talk. If you’ve felt lost about how to help, you’re not the only one.
2. Talking together helps you both
One study of couples found that open communication helped partners approach menopause as a shared challenge rather than one person’s problem, and this was linked with better wellbeing in the relationship. Feeling like a team seems to matter as much as any particular thing you do.
3. Relationships and symptoms affect each other
The link runs both ways. People who are happier in their relationships tend to report less severe symptoms, or find them easier to manage. Yet in one UK study, people going through menopause often felt better supported by friends who “got it” than by their partners. There is real room for partners to close that gap.
4. Much of what we know comes from one kind of couple
Most research has focused on heterosexual couples, but a growing body of work looks at lesbian and queer couples. In one US study comparing lesbian and heterosexual couples, lesbian couples often described shared experiences of ageing and changes in desire as something that brought them closer and improved communication.
It isn’t always simpler, though. A recent study of lesbian and queer women describes menopause as potential “double trouble”. When both partners go through it at the same time, their symptoms can compound each other. When their transitions happen at different times, menopause can be part of the relationship for many years. Trans and non-binary partners remain much less studied.
What this means for you
You don’t need to have all the answers. Understanding what’s happening, talking openly, and facing it together can make a real difference to you both.
What helps
- Learn about menopause: Reading about it shows care, and means your partner doesn’t have to explain everything.
- Ask rather than assume: Try “What would help right now?” instead of offering solutions straight away.
- Listen without fixing: Often, feeling understood matters more than advice.
- Notice the practical things: A cooler bedroom, taking on more at home on a bad day, or going along to a GP appointment can make a real difference.
- Be patient with irritability: It’s fine to say when something hurts. Try to talk about it at a calm moment, not in the heat of an argument.
- Keep connecting: Changes in desire are common, talking openly, and finding closeness in other ways, can protect your relationship.
What tends not to help
- Blaming every disagreement on hormones
- Minimising: “It’s just a phase” or “Everyone goes through it”
- Withdrawing because you’re unsure what to say
Look after yourself too
Supporting someone can be tiring. It’s okay to have your own feelings about these changes, and to seek support for yourself. Every relationship is different, and you and your partner are best placed to decide what works for you. Some couples find it helpful to talk things through with a couples therapist together.
FAQs
How do I start a conversation with my partner about menopause?
Choose a calm moment and start with care rather than a diagnosis. For example: “You’ve seemed exhausted lately. How are you really doing?” Opening with “Is this menopause?” can feel dismissive, even when it’s meant kindly.
What if we’re both going through menopause at the same time?
This is common in same-sex couples, and it can be harder when you both have less to give. Try to take turns in supporting each other, be open about what each of you needs, and remember that shared experience can also bring you closer.
What if my partner doesn’t want to talk about it?
Respect their pace. Let them know you’re there when they’re ready, and perhaps share something to read rather than pushing for a conversation. In the meantime, it’s okay to seek support for yourself.
Reflection corner
“When did you last ask your partner how they’re really doing, and listen without trying to fix it?”
Support in Medway and online
If you’d like to explore what you’re going through, we offer therapy in person in Rainham, Medway, and online across the UK.
When you’re ready to take the next step, visit our website or book a free 15-minute consultation to find out how therapy can help.
